I miss you while your gone.
Early morning comes and I bury my head under the pillow. I’m not ungrateful to see your beautiful face in the mornings I’m just feeling a little tired today. Sometimes I shamefully wish I could switch off the mummy alarm clock and have one of those precious lie-ins. I remember when I was pregnant, everyone told me ”Sleep while you can” and I have to say it really rattled my cage! Now, I find myself rattling off the same line to expectant mums unbeknownst to myself. But you don’t understand that I didn’t sleep well last night, or that my head is banging from all the stress of my job and all the worries that come with being a grown up. You want your breakfast….Weetabix, no Rice Crispies, then back to Weetabix again.
You are so full of energy for a little person. Like a little pop star belting out ‘Twinkle twinkle little star’ like you are auditioning for the X-Factor, while I rock myself back and forth with the strongest coffee I can bear to stomach. Breakfast is finished and I clean up the remainder of two breakfasts, none of which are mine. We head upstairs and I pick out an outfit for you from your wardrobe that’s bulging full of clothes, stylish, matching and clean! I have to tackle you down a few times because you scream and scream about the big monster that’s peering in the window and looking at you funny. An hour later you look the part.
Me- still in my Pyjamas, hair tied up with a broken gogo…. not showered or fed- and exhausted.
Then you come over to me, bury your head in my lap and say ‘What’s wrong mammy’… ‘You ok’ ….your two and a half, and for that split second you notice the signs of a tired mammy. But why should you? I think to myself look at the beautiful, intelligent and a bit crazy of a little lady me and your daddy created. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, not only on the outside, but skin deep. You are full of love and even empathy. You don’t judge me when I’m sad, or mad, or stressed. You take me for what I am. And you love me for who I am.
I remember back to the time when I wanted you so badly, to a time when I never thought I’d ever get to hold you in my arms or in my heart. Why do I feel I want to turn off that mummy alarm clock in the mornings? Because truth be told your the best thing in my every day.
The day is busy, full of love and cuddles. Full of tears and tantrums and learning and playing. The day is full of me trying my best to take a spare moment to run my own business and feeling guilty when I hear you say ‘Come play with me for a lil’ while”. And the day is full if me trying my absolute best.
When the day is done and we put you in your jammies, and brush out your mousey brown curls and kiss your rosey cheeks, we talk about the days adventures. We had so much fun despite the little things that didn’t quite go our way. You have your teddies and your night time cuddles and our I love you’s and cuddles and I close the door.
I am ashamed to say (although I tell myself I am not the only one) that I breath a sigh of relief. Tiredness takes over and I can finally get stuff done. For about an hour or more I run around getting the last bits of cleaning, washing and rearranging done. Then its time to relax. I find myself looking around, the silence kills me. I miss your laugh, I miss your cuddles and I actually miss wiping those tears. And until my mummy alarm clock goes off again, about the same time as every other day, i’ll sit and I will miss you while your gone.